How NOT To Get Married

I am blessed to have a lot of cool twenty something people in my life.  I love that they are willing to be smart enough to ask advice and seek council about decisions they are facing as opposed to being the know it all I believed myself to be at that age.  It still amazes me how I am being honored to speak into their lives.  A lot of them are looking for that special ‘someone’ and wondering when it is going to happen as well…and though I can tell you how to get married I am a better expert at how NOT to get married.

One thing that most people I do life with know about me is that I have four pretty amazing kids.  Perfect…heck no…but they are rockin’ awesome in how they live life.  I also have a great marriage to a great guy.  But if you ask me how long I have been married I would ask you, “All together, or in a row?”  Yes, it is not my first time at the “I Do” rodeo and what was once used in my mind as shame is now a vessel to learn from by other people in my world.  And when anyone can learn faster than I do then it is a win for me.  So though I am now happily married, I can also share a bit about how NOT to get married.

The biggest thing you may guess is the other person, in other words choose the right person, but in reality the other person is just the by-product of my decision.  The right person can look right but be wrong if we do not have a clear vision of who we are.  A lot of the time the choices of who we choose to do life with are affected about how we feel about ourselves.  If we do not feel worth much then often we tend to gravitate towards others who will not treat us worth much.  Our life goes where our mind goes and if you believe in something long enough it tends to become reality.  When I began valuing who I was then I tended to attract a spouse that valued me as much.  That makes a winning combo meal any day.

Another tip in how not to get married is to strive to know the person for more than a nanosecond, in other words don’t rush it.  My first marriage I knew the guy for a total of 3 months… wow, really?  Can you even break in your favorite pair of jeans in that amount of time let alone a lifetime spouse?  I think not.  If you want to make a silly mistake in life then rush into one.   I love Titanic and The Proposal as much as the next gal, but this is real life and dating for more than a minute is usually a great idea…plus didn’t the guy die at the end of Titanic anyway?

Another great note is that living together is not a trial run for being married.  Think what you want, it really isn’t.  Yes I have done that too and it all changes when you get married.  Again we are going back to the mindset.  If you are going to share your life with someone doing it right is so much sweeter and worth it.  If you are going to commit why not fully do it when you are ready.

Another great tip is to not marry someone who doesn’t know how to serve someone else.  This includes how they give of their time besides you or themselves.  Are they selfish?  Do they think of others?  I happen to go to a great church in LA (www.oasisla.org) and see people serving their faces off without any expectation except for making the world a better place.  These are the candidates worth considering.  Choosing a selfish person may leave you with a lot of conversations in the future asking why you married someone who never thinks of others.

Just a few tips from someone who has done it wrong and now is doing it right.  I don’t have any regrets as I have these four rockin’ awesome kids and now a great husband as well, but again learn from my mistakes and shorten your learning curve for an overall better average in your game of life.

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