I got a ticket this morning on the way to yoga class…
Pause for sorrow…maybe even a curse word.
Shoulders slump a little bit, and I am now in the position of correction, never a fun place…
This is a sucky feeling.
(Insert sigh here)
Since I was little, no matter what when I felt corrected there was also a sense that I messed up and I beat myself up more than anyone else could possibly try. And to be honest there is a little rebel in me that wonders if I really did something wrong when I feel trapped or have the feeling of being falsely accused.
Take the situation this morning; I honestly didn’t think I DID anything wrong. As I turned the corner on a yellow light there was the police officer waving me over. I did the whole pantomime, “Me? Really…ok, but I think you may be mistaken” hand and mouth gestures that are universal when you assume the cop did not mean you. I didn’t see her and the other officers in the ‘sting’ that was occurring for right turn offenders until I completely got around the corner. (I’ll let God judge them for hiding in the alleyway out of sight….also kind of sucky, btw.) Now if I was speeding I would totally be busted and accept my fate, but for this I was doubting the offense, which raised a whole lot of other feelings as well of injustice…and for anyone who has known me for more than a minute knows I am a high justice kind of person.
As I mentioned I was going to yoga; a good thing now that I had the spirit of suckiness on me. As I glide in late and my yoga instructor gives me the ‘ah, you got a ticket’ look because she saw my tweet (oh yes I tweeted, high justice remember and I wanted to save others). So all I could do was surrender to the fact that I got a ticket and it sucked. It was a reminder that I am not perfect. I can strive for the goal but it was a reminder that I am not.
After I wound down in yoga and got back into the why I was out so early in the morning in LA anyway I began thinking of why I was so upset about it. As I planked and down-dogged I kicked myself for not going the other way that I had intended to because I was tired and missed the turn so continued in the direction where I got the ticket. I kicked myself for not looking at the apparent sign I have been missing every time I took that turn in the past and quite honestly I was miffed that I ruined my nearly twenty year record of not getting a ticket, which now I can no longer brag about.
As I go into child’s pose I am now humbled. And through the humility I see the grace. I didn’t trust my gut and go the other way; instead I forged through in the wrong direction for the day. I also got away with turning at that turn for literally weeks before I got caught. And of course bragging is never a positive character trait.
Alas, my pride got a ticket. And my pride is a fickle thing that can be dormant until it is challenged. If I had listened to my gut, discernment or whatever you want to call it I could have avoided the lesson. But I wasn’t listening. I also wasn’t watching and paying attention. The lesson could have been a lot worse than a ticket. The imperfection zone is never a fun place to be but I am thankful I have mellowed enough with age and wisdom to know I make mistakes but it does not define my character. What defines my character is what I learn from it.