Lessons of Growth through Failure

The fortitude of being brave begins next level for 2026. It is speaking out in truth regarding many painful layers. With years of secrets, emotional trauma has taken its toll on my health and well being. Two years ago, with an amazing trauma therapist, I made the decision to stop the cycle. It is my intention to pursue and move from not only victim to survivor, but intentionally thriving while packing away old tapes. 

After much reflection and consideration, it is time to speak about Guatemala.

Validity of avoiding this chapter is equivalent to the pain it caused. In fact, when I returned to the states I suffered a major emotional breakdown. But what I have also learned is time heals. Trite but true. In honesty, some days still hurt in the small secret places. But the first statement stands. Written earlier, it would have been different. The reformed perfectionist in me wanted to get this right. 

I present the experience in what I’ve learned about myself. I share it not to shame. I share to empower others through life as people disappoint you. 

Lesson #1: I will always (always) struggle with codependency.

That little imp, wanting to put everyone’s needs before my own and feeling guilty when I don’t. It festers in the world of organized religion.

Throughout my tenure at a large church in Los Angeles I had the privilege of meeting many wonderful people. One of those was a young woman from Guatemala, her name, Daniela. She was full of life and always positive. We are our best when presenting our godly selves. She was no different. At that point in my career I even ended up managing her acting career.

When the needs of her family commitments overshadowed her desire to stay in Los Angeles she went home. Her absence was missed from the forever family she created in the states. And through that community we stayed in touch. After all, she was always at my house, worshipping together through the praise team at church, and managing her life long goals. I believed in her. She was a friend, but also the age of some of my older adult children. I welcomed nurturing her, aiding in her success.

So when she came back for a visit about a year later I was completing my undergraduate degree in film. She stayed with my family for part of her visit. I was writing a script that was being shot a few months later and she encouraged my journey as well. During the visit she went to another shoot I was working on. During that event, with another friend, we discussed stories. Through that conversation an idea was born.

After the shoot, and her departure to Guatemala, I mulled over the story idea we discussed. Throughout this development she asked if there was any work for her she could do for me through my production company to help support her family. So with my background in training actors we developed an idea to hold workshops in Guatemala. She was coaching actors in her country and there was a market to develop a program. So I hired her. I paid her money I didn’t have to help her situation there. I went to Guatemala and taught acting workshops. I stayed with her family to save costs. And through its success paid her a portion of the profits.

Through these stays I developed the script idea based loosely on the idea discussed, wrote it, and reached a point after several months of her pitching it to an investor there. On one visit I met the investor and he was very interested. Upon meeting him I didn’t feel good about it. But believed her when she said he was legitimate. 

I met several people throughout the course of my visits. Most were actors and the cast was being formed as the writing continued. Upon my return home and an investment deal in hand, I finished writing the entire first season. It was an exciting time.

We began the process of hiring the American team. These were people I met through film school and had built a bond with. I also hired my oldest daughter with her experience in production. Each hire had potential to create legitimacy. My mind was full of us all building something together. 

As persons were hired plans solidified to travel and shoot in Guatemala. Daniela called to say all was a go but the investor had met with his board and they wanted a bond to secure their investment. So we pitched many to raise the money. It looked like it was not going to happen. Through many ups and downs, persons already attached and family members gathered the money to pay the bond.

Four of us from the states to begin production. With us, my little dog, and the toddler son of the couple performing as cinematographer and production design. Included, my oldest daughter acting in the role of line producer. We stayed in a place where we could work and live while the rest of the team would join us in less than a month. During that time we hired local crew and rehearsals began. 

As this occurred we eagerly awaited the financing date to occur. I went through all the legal channels to do so with a leap of faith and the trust from Daniela the money was coming. So we pushed forward and I used my own money in the meantime to sustain the project. 

The deadline grew closer, no money. Asking about it from the investor, no answer. Talks with Daniela, still no money. She explained that is how it is done there. I trusted her, went forward, hired the entire crew, rehearsed and secured locations for the shoot. It was entirely a facade of hope.

The deadline came and went and so did my bank account. And a glimmer of hope from the investor moving forward eluded from Daniela. She spoke of a powerful meeting happening and they would decide the exact date to release the money. The investor swore it was not him but other people on his board who had changed their mind. Daniela went to this meeting, she texted me the conversations, the ups, the downs. It was stressful. In the end she said they would make a decision within a week. He invited us to an event of one of his projects. 

He even hosted a premiere of the short I filmed starring Daniela in the meantime. During this event we announced the project he was funding. How could I doubt the big event when he was paying money to host it?

And then something happened. My daughter caught Daniela in a lie. Once caught, the entire unraveling of what I thought to be true crumbled to the ground. I was faced with the reality of a complete farce. There was no high powered meeting, there was an investor, but she had misrepresented it and the meetings I attended were in a language I could not follow. She was lying to me the entire time. All the hope of the project was not only gone, it was shattered. 

In front of me were not only dozens of those locally in Guatemala, but also my friends from America I had brought with me. In addition, the timing of the reveal equaled the reality of those still in the states making life changing decisions that now resulted in them feeling betrayed by me. 

So what did I do? I took it all on. I called those in the states and took the heat. Some still do not speak to me. I stood in front of dozens of hopeful cast and crew and shattered their dream of being in a Hollywood production. I fought to get the money back from the so called bond to at least cover some of the expenses. And I took the brunt of every person angered by the betrayal.  I took in every word and did not defend myself. I listened, I apologized, and I ate it deep in my soul.

Looking back it was my fault. Sure Daniela lied and she was good at it. I trusted her fully. But I saw the red flags and moved forward to make everyone feel better. I spent my money to make everyone happy. Because I am, at the end of the day, a codependent. I did not set boundaries. When I did, I allowed people to cross them. My success did not matter, theirs did. That truth set blinders on me to not see the reality in the situation. So yes, I was betrayed by Daniela. But I precipitated the damage. 

I cannot shift all blame to her. I must accept my portion of it. I could have not hired my American colleagues. Yes, I am protected by verbiage in a contract, but I did not stop it in time to affect their lives. I did my best to make it up to the two who went in the beginning but the relationship will always be damaged. I went on the word of Daniela to hire all the Guatemalan crew and cast, but I could have held it off until funding occurred. I was deceived but I did not make realistic choices. I took on too much and thought I could do it all, train people, and make it happen. I couldn’t. And that reality shattered me.

Betrayal trauma is real. Also is the reality of my choices based in codependency. She was slick and I fell for it. 

The ability for me to choose healthy business relationships was not fostered before this experience. As much healing as I did in my personal life, the dysfunction transitioned into my professional one. I had clients who never paid me and projects where I never got the residuals due. Did I pursue the payment? No. I just felt hurt and never wanted to make waves. One after another led to Guatemala. 

People in my life who care tell me I am too hard on myself. She was a very good liar, they would say. Anyone would have believed her.  But I have to take responsibility for living in the hope that I could fix the project, change the outcome. I even stayed a bit longer trying to get further funding. That led to heartbreak in the relationship with my daughter. Even when I returned there were those who attempted to make the project happen. But I was broken. And I stayed that way a long time. I even sat on the short that had her face it in. I didn’t want to be reminded of her betrayal. I ate the pain and sank deeper into myself. The level of healing in my personal life from betrayal trauma shattered in the realization of it occurring again in my professional one. 

Lesson #2: No Matter How Many Times You are Deceived, Trust Again.

The reality of deception led me to a level of PTSD symptoms I had struggled with in the past. I could not be out in public, and when I did go out in public I suffered severe panic attacks. I talked to people only for brief times and acted like everything was ok. I hid the brokenness in fear of letting anyone but a few see it.

A friend tried to get me a job at a casting office. I balled through the entire interview. It was embarrassing. I went from being confident to not being able to function. The constant barrage to myself for being so stupid repeated incessantly while producers who I considered friends in Guatemala berated and mocked me. And the core of persons who I had become close to there hated me.  All I had built in my career felt over. It was not going to get better. I did not reach the point of a three day hold, but it did not feel important to go on. The fight in me was gone.

All I could do for my dear friends who gave up their apartment to come to Guatemala was let them live at my place for no charge. Guilt ridden, I stayed upstairs. Their little boy, with his blanket and cars would climb the stairs to my room and ask, “YouTube, Deb, YouTube?” I could not say no and we sat on the couch in my room watching silly videos of cars, which he loved. Day after day in despair this pattern repeated. And little by little the sadness turned into new memories. He trusted me to be there. If it not for this little guy I do not know if I would have come back. Days led to weeks and new plans were formed for life. I did not want to pursue any project. I didn’t trust not only my own choices but anyone else. 

But if this little boy trusted me, could I trust again? By his visceral example I sought to examine my own. There is no alternative but to trust and try again. How the road looked was the key to breaking the cycle of having it occur in the future. So, like him, I looked to the stairs of what I wanted. I’d have to climb each step and figure out how to trust.

Lesson #3: Boundaries are not selfish

Words are easy. Pattern breaking is difficult. It doesn’t feel comfortable. But, if you are brave, it is always worth it for a better life. 

Near the end of my tenure in Guatemala as the project collapsed, my daughter reverted to old behaviors and our relationship crumbled. I could not defend myself from the behaviors I knew she was doing. At the end of the day, no matter what she did, she was still my child. It was a lose, lose situation. Her choices made me look like a scoundrel. I protected her, but in doing so was terrified of my own safety. I left the country in fear. 

I also left her there. She had stopped speaking to me, moved away from where we were staying. I had no support. As I sat at the airport in fear with my little dog waiting to board I wrote her a text. Within it I set the boundary that I would not include her in my life until she could respect and value our relationship. I expressed how her decisions had affected my reputation. And, I would not discuss our relationship without a professional third party present. As I buckled in for the flight home I hit send.

This was one of the most difficult boundaries to date I had set in my life. My children are my life. Even in their adulthood, they are my reason for living. And perhaps that was the crux. It allowed flexible unhealthy boundaries. But what she had done exposed the reality that even my children are not allowed to be abusive to me.

I navigated relationship with my other children while respecting their relationship with their sister. I held true to the boundary I had set. I heard updates through my other children and mother, but we did not speak. Through this course of events and change, I also decided to shelve the project.

It is easy to set boundaries. Not letting people cross them is the difficult part. And this is not a selfish act in negative form. It is an act of self love. That little imp is a liar. It is okay to protect oneself. By keeping boundaries, I have learned who has remained in my life and who has left it. I no longer give energy to persons who do not respect them. 

Through this painful and extensive exercise I learned who to depend on. And found the best person to trust was myself. To trust my gut. And to believe it is, in fact, ok to be selfish in protecting oneself from narcissistic tendencies of others. They rely on people like me to be obligatory to their needs. Without persons like me they will carry on and find others to use. That is their choice, but it will not be with me. 

Setting that boulder of weight down and walking lighter has been life changing. Residual patterns can pop up, but choosing recognition and adjustment is freeing. Time does heal if you let it by learning the lesson of the pain. It is a consistent choice.

Lesson #4: Keep Creating

Once the pain subsided, and years passed, I continued to create. I went back to school and got my masters degree. I did other projects, wrote other stories, shot other films. 

I helped my husband navigate caring for his mother in our home, which occurred while the world shut down with COVID. If the path of the project in Guatemala progressed, this honor may not have occurred. Life brings you challenges. It is what you do with them. It just took me longer to bounce back from this one.

I created new friendships and released the ones who were ready to go. Without anger or resentment. Even Daniela. I forgave her…multiple times. Do I want to talk to her? No thank you. Because forgiving is different than forgetting. I released her long ago.

And the short I wrote with her face in it, honoring my loving foster family, has won multiple awards. I was able to do so by looking at the group of talented creators in Guatemala. The project wasn’t about me or Daniela. It was about the talent of creatives it took to make it happen.

Their creativity is a gift I hold in high regard. The world deserves to see how gifted they are. As I’ve followed many of them throughout these years, I cheer them on and love seeing their journey, while being thankful I got to work with them. Nothing is gained by not supporting other creatives. There is room for everyone.

When a creative stops, the world stands still. I learned even grabbing some crayons to color with a toddler is a win for the day. If I sit out in the sun and look out at the water I’m creating ideas. By supporting other creatives I’m adding to the community. 

Moving forward with new thoughts, ideas, and purpose is part of the journey. Daniela was a blip on the timeline and not the final chapter. The pain felt like it, but in reality it was a lesson. She’s not worth the effort or energy to fill my time as I was blessed to meet so many. This realization was part of the grieving process.

The balance of thankfulness equals the ire of the experience. Those in the moment, who were hateful in their speech and attitude, will need to explore their own behavior. Those who loved me through it I cherish. In the pit of my stomach, in thinking about the end, is still a little pain. I don’t know if it will ever go away.  But it is manageable now. 

What would be a shame is to stop creating. May I never forget the lessons as I move forward to new challenges and opportunities.

Conclusion

The biggest lesson is broken pieces heal with the proper glue to put them back together. Once set, it will look different. But the outcome is more beautiful. It is stronger with the glue it took to create it. It is less likely to break and it is precious. It is me, a broken creative who trusts deeply with cautious optimism.

The ingredient was time. The time it took to heal, to reflect, to listen and learn. I’m not a patient person. But it was the only solution. After almost 3 years my daughter called me on the phone and we spoke for the first time. I will tell you what I told her that day after tears and apologies. If the experience warranted the outcome of allowing her to get to where she is now I’d go through every painful moment again. And I say the same for myself. For in the moments of forgiveness I need to include myself.