Some may call it a lapse of reason when I volunteered to plan a high school reunion. After the world went dark and we lost so many in the rage of a pandemic the birth of reuniting with others in a common goal of remembering our youth and celebrating who we are now outnumbered the reasons to run away. It was all worth it the first evening of the event looking at the smiles of the Shorecrest High School class of 1982. There was no ego. We put it aside after masks and zoom meetings. We also are of the age where many trivial idiosyncrasies don’t matter anymore, at least for one weekend.

For those who see me, shy would not likely be first word to come to mind. For those that know, turtle is my middle name. Raising kids pulled me out of my shell for years. But now they have grown up and I find myself more in an independent solidarity of my youth. I love people but need the recharge of privacy. So, when a woman I went to high school with approached me several times throughout the weekend and said, “We have to do lunch…” I happily agreed. Her name is Pam. She was always smiling. I remember her from high school, but we didn’t see each other outside of class. I didn’t know her but wanted to due to her extremely cool vibe. It was effervescent. We exchanged numbers and I looked forward to at least one lunch with Pam if not more.

That was the fall of 2022. The holidays arrived, life happened, and 2023 brought me many health issues that delayed my lunch with Pam. I thought about her a lot. I could have reached out, texted, or called. But this turtle was sick and into the shell I went. I did the necessary, but the extra was put on hold and that included lunch with Pam. I did look forward to it and it was on a list I made for when I was feeling better and back to being a stronger me. To those who know me, I was battling health. For others I fell off the earth. I missed the wedding of newly connected old friends and other events I did not have the energy to attend which I deeply regret.

Looking forward to this past Christmas I was excited to have all the kids home. One more surgery at the top of 2024 and the hope of getting back to living. It is in this season of looking to the future when I heard the news.

Pam was gone.

It was a shock. I had taken for granted that she would be always around. I did not get the chance to have our lunch. She loved to laugh and so do I. She loved to travel, meet people, and hear stories. Some of my favorite things. It would have been a good lunch and perhaps the start of a good friendship. Bummer seems trite. Thoughts and prayers of course but a bit overused. Truth be told losing Pam was not about me. It was about her smile leaving this earth too soon. Lord, take the mean people only. The part involving me was missing out on knowing the person whom everyone said was amazing, i.e., cool vibe. My only memories of Pam will be high school and our short, very short, cool chats throughout a weekend in 2022.

In the hallowed shroud of overcast skies of the PNW this time of year could be an excellent excused moment of sullen reflective depression. Another reason to go deeper into the shell. Another lost experience. Perhaps play a song with minor chords and reflect on my day-to-day trek to joining Pam. This is one course of action in the potential friendship not cultivated. Life gives you chances, and the direction is proportionate to the effort. Shyness in turtle form can leave the phone untouched as the next day happens with its own joy and misdemeanors.  Yes, a good sad song would be the turtle thing to do. It’s easy, its familiar.

I choose option two.

I choose to honor Pam with the choices I make moving forward and being self-forgiving when life brings distraction. In between I choose to extend my neck into the world and reach out. Just like I did when I raised my hand to plan a class reunion. It is a grandiose small gesture. Seemingly effortless for this member of the technically developed generation. I choose it virtually and choose it in reality. For example, as I stood in line to return an Amazon package at a UPS store yesterday a lady turned to meet my eyes and I smiled at her. She smiled back. Isn’t that the purpose of a smile, to bring warmth to a person. Perhaps that is all they needed for that day. High five for humanity. I choose, like Pam, to smile.

I never got that lunch with Pam. But as I reach out and participate in life, I honor her smile. She had one for the books. Every time we smile as big as Pam did, we connect to another. We do not need to travel across the world to learn about the power of a smile. But if you happen to be across the world, think of Pam and how excited she would be to take the journey with you. Do it for her but more importantly do it for you as she celebrates you on along the way. That famous smile will be with you. Text a friend, make a connection. Take a risk. Participate in your own way. I will do my best to rise to the occasion. As I do, in my own way, I will ultimately have lunch with Pam. She is present as I don’t take a moment for granted.

And if you choose option two like me, she will be there with you too. Smiling.